Porn and boyfriends

After my last break up, I said I was done with this kind of monogamous relationships, and I meant it.

I don’t do boyfriends anymore.

Of course, many laughed at my face, thinking I was just saying that in the heat of the moment and that soon I would fall in love again and have another similar relationship. As if the temptation to ‘fall’ in love was too big and that I would definitely yield to it again. It’s a little bit like when I tell people I don’t want to have kids. Oh but you’ll see, you’re still young, you’ll change your mind.

NO.

Of course, there is the temptation. In today’s society, we are taught that falling in love and getting married and being happy forever after with only person is THE dream. THE goal. And there is quite a harsh judgement on you if you don’t follow that path.

Temptation and guilt

I felt this temptation twice in the past. Back when I lived in Spain and my ex and I were getting serious, I felt that I was starting to let go of my own goals in favor of our relationship’s goals. We moved in together quite quickly and, deep down, I knew it was a mistake. I knew I was sacrificing my freedom, but I was really young and insecure. And I loved him. He’s a great guy and for him, it was different. That’s what he wanted. Settling down, getting married and have kids. He’s doing it now with his new girlfriend and I couldn’t be happier for him. But it doesn’t have to be the only path for everybody. When we broke up, after years of excruciating routine, I felt guilty. I was the one who had messed everything up, because I wanted something else, because I wasn’t satisfied. He never blamed me. But then I started this blog and the whole porn thing and I realized there was a whole world of new things to experience outside of the realm of monogamy.

Then, I started experimenting, living the life I wanted for myself. Working, fucking, making new friends… I thought I had figured it all out. Then I moved to Berlin and bam!, I fell in love again. This relationship was the opposite of the previous one. He was a slut, just like me. We had a lot of sex, with each other and together with other people. It was very intense, exciting. It’s fair to say I also fell in love with his dick. And I thought he was the hottest man alive. So my insecurities, which I thought were gone, came back up to the surface. He’s too hot for me. I naturally started to adapt myself to him, to shape myself according to him because I was terrified of losing him. My Spanish ex was a nice guy, a real good guy, and I was more the dominant person in our relationship. This time, I was clearly the submissive one. I lost all perspective and left all the things that I had built for myself to fit this new relationship. I thought I had to be always available for sex, to satisfy his needs. My physical and mental health started to decay. I was doubting myself every day. And imagine going through this while trying to run my porn business at the same time.

We were supposedly very open, but he was still jealous about my work and made me feel bad about being successful. I toned down my aspirations because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. And I knew since the beginning that I was letting myself down, that I was sacrificing myself again for this relationship. I love to give, so I gave everything I had, without realizing all I was getting in return was more shame, more insecurities, more self-doubt. I wanted to perform in a threesome but I thought, I can’t do that, he won’t like it, he won’t be able to handle it. So I cheated myself and barely held my head above the surface until I crashed and we broke up.

The honesty I thought we had was never really there and I let myself down for this rotten relationship. I told him straight away we when started going out: You’re going to break my heart. I knew it. And I still went for it. Why? Because insecurities die hard and I thought we would be happy together forever. When I think about it, there wasn’t much happiness at all in all this. But the temptation was too strong.

Freedom or selfishness

It’s scary to be honest with what you want, because it means that you might be alone sometimes, you might have to see people leave. But honesty is everything and I understood that if you can go through your own shit by yourself, you will get strong enough to go after exactly what you want.

There is this misconception in society that a woman is selfish if she decides to go after what she wants, unapologetically. I want to work, I want to have sex for myself, I don’t want kids… As if we had to apologize for these things because what will happen to the poor men who are left all alone?

So, I don’t do boyfriends anymore. It’s not a temporary state from a girl who is bitter from her last relationship, but a personal choice that I made for myself.

I don’t want to ever have to say I can’t do that because I have a boyfriend, again.

I encounter a lot of actresses who would love to work with me but then, when time comes to organize a shooting, they tell me: I can’t do it because my boyfriend doesn’t want me to, and I think that’s just really sad. I understand it can be really hard to do this kind of work while in a relationship. What bothers me even more is that a lot of guys don’t have a problem if their girlfriends do lesbian scenes, but the deal changes when it comes to performing with a man. For me, it doesn’t make sense. It’s proof that we live in a heteronormative society and that we’re still supposed to do what men feel it’s ok for us to do, according to their own fucked up standards and egos.

I don’t judge anybody because, as I said, I’ve been there, so I know it’s really hard, but feminist porn is supposed to be a choice to emancipate oneself and to explore one’s sexuality for oneself, not to please or displease other people.

Of course, I myself am not immune to yielding to the temptation again, but now I can recognize the signs and see when a relationship is steering me away from my own personal goals or pushing me to grow and supporting me in what I want to do.

That was my little rant for the day.

Cheerio.

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