Sex diary : surviving my break up
I was about to write an article about a few fun tools to deal with a break up, because, well, I have been dealing with a tough break up myself these last few weeks. However, I realized that I have no fucking clue about what to do after a separation. So I’m just going to say what’s coming out of me in this difficult time.
Break ups, love and porn
The fact that my personal life and my professional life are somehow intertwined doesn’t really make it easier. Porn has always been a sort of catharsis for me. It helps me accept myself, identify what I want and it gives me the freedom to be who I am. However, right now, as my heart is broken, it’s hard to relate to porn and sexual desire in general. I have watched a few scenes lately, but I’m always torn between my pussy and my heart. I’m super horny because for the first time in a while, I haven’t had sex in, like, a month. On the other side, I’m a total wreck and fantasizing about hot, passionate sex reminds me of my pain.
So, what to do then?
Well, my subconscious answered that question for me. The other night, after dreaming that I was being murdered by a psychopath, I had another totally different dream. I was hanging out in a room with a very hot black guy. We were playing, chilling, nothing too crazy, until I decided to fuck him by sitting on his dick. And, to my great surprise, I had an orgasm. In my sleep! I usually get quite close to coming in my dreams, but it’s pretty rare to actually reach orgasm. So, at least, I’ve got this going for me.
So, my conclusion is that I need to release my sexual energy and allow myself to fantasize with what comes to my mind. At the risk of sounding objectifying, I’m going to stop drooling over hot ‘viking’ blondes and follow my pussy through the darker side, brunettes, blacks, tall, big people… It’s purely a visual thing for me right now since I’m not ready to engage in any romantic stories with people in real life just yet, so, yes, I’m going to stick with people’s appearances for now, and that’s ok.
For example… Here’s the preview for Hot For Vicky by Foxhouse, available on PinkLabel TV. Hot hot hot indeed!
As I said, I’m not quite ready to date again, yet, but I still felt the urge to check out Tinder last night and torture myself with this depressing reflex. Hipsters and shirtless guys, the market seems sad and I have the feeling I will die alone. Dating. This idea even seems so stupid, somehow. Looking for love, or sex… All this has made me think that maybe we’re going at it all wrong. Are we supposed to find somebody? Do we really want to fall in love? Probably a lot of people can find happiness like this, but I don’t think I belong to this group. Falling in love means falling. It means sacrificing a part of you. It means losing your mind, your clarity, your sanity. It means changing bits of yourself. Just because we’re so fucking afraid to be alone.
I’m at a point in my life when I can really choose what I want. And what I want is to meet awesome people, to choose to spend time with people who bring something positive to my life, without ever shedding pieces of myself. I think I’m finally understanding the true meaning of polyamory. Being totally free, being ok on your own and enjoying the company of all kinds of people who can make your life richer.
I feel like I fell into the trap of blind, stupid love, just because I thought I wasn’t good enough for somebody to love me and so I held on to it like a scared cat only to realize this was destroying me and keeping me from blossoming.
I’ve also stopped smoking, because I feel like breaking up is also some kind of detox. I was high on my relationship and now I need to learn how to live without it. Which also proves that the relationship wasn’t healthy to begin with. So, I might as well leave all the negative stuff behind me, and smoking is definitely one of them. I want to be healthy in my head and in my body.
Love is not just this romantic couple-ish crap. It can be way more than this. I’m doing ok thanks to the help of my dear friends, who are always here to support me and reassure me. They show me that I can still be really happy, and even happier than before. They take me out or snuggle with me under the blanket.
It’s important to be ok by yourself, but surrounding yourself with people with good vibes is absolutely crucial to your well-being. I’m really thankful I have true friends who show me that life goes on.
You’ll probably be happy to know that I’m going to dive into work from now on. I’ve already got quite a few hot projects coming up. My new movie will be out in a few days, I’ll be premiering it in Berlin on Feb. 24th, and I’ll also be shooting my first real feature film this summer so, folks, I AM BACK!