I don’t really know the point of this article, I guess we’ll find out.
The last few weeks, several people have said this sentence to me: You look so skinny! My reaction is always one of surprise. Me? Skinny?
When I was 14, I would have dreamed of hearing this. Today though, it doesn’t make me feel good about myself. First, I always find it weird that people feel free to comment on other people’s appearance. Of course, they would never say to me Oh you’re so fat! but the word skinny is somehow accepted because isn’t the goal of every girl to be skinny? Of course, the people who said this to me are my friends, so it’s ok because we know each other well and I think we can be honest with each other, but it still bugged me.
Second, it kinda sounded like You’re too skinny. Is there is special weight that is socially validated? I’m 1,62m tall (I don’t do inches, figure it out) and I’m 49 kg. If I manage to gain a few pounds, will I be the ‘right’ weight? Will people finally shut up? Before, I was too fat, now I’m too skinny. How can I ever satisfy this judgy crowd? Has anybody ever wondered how I feel about my own weight?
As I said, I used to be a chubby girl. I suffered a lot because of it when I was a teenager and later in my early adult years. It’s quite cliché actually. Self-esteem problems, body image issues… My mum used to constantly watch what I ate and tell me about new diets or pants that wouldn’t make my thighs look fat. I had this idealistic image of myself in my head. Slim, a bit taller, straight hair… And every time I looked at the mirror, I was disappointed with myself. Ironically enough, this self-hatred made me even hungrier. I honestly thought I would die a virgin because no man would ever want to fuck me. I’m not kidding.
Then, when I was about 26, I quit my job and started this whole porn thing. For the first time ever, I was able to work from home without a boss telling me what to do. I could spend my days the way I wanted to and somehow I didn’t feel that need to stuff myself with pasta and cheese after work. I emancipated myself from food – oh and I started smoking also, which is stupid I know, but it happened.
I didn’t realize I was losing weight until I was on Ovidie’s set for the movie Une Nuit Sans Fin (An Endless Night in English). It’s the only time that I ever performed for another director. I was showing Ovidie the clothes that I brought for the scene and I changed in front of her. There it was, You’re so skinny! You lost a lot of weight! I looked at myself in the big mirror and I saw. I had always had big tits and they were gone. Instead there were these two little boobs on this tiny body. Skinny thighs. Little ass which apparently needs toning because yeah, I hate sports. Just tone it up a bit and you’ll look fab!
Because of this, I feel too skinny AND too fat at the same time.
So, as much as I enjoyed buying size small clothes, I had a lot of trouble identifying to my new body. This is where porn helped me a lot. Many people around me wonder why I do porn. What’s wrong with me, huh? Well, I learned to appreciate my body through the lens and gradually I let go of all these pressures that I was constantly getting, from people or the media. I used to be like a lot of women, always hating myself in pictures. Oh delete that one, I look too ugly!
I shot NAKED when I was still chubby – Goddess I hate that word so much. The first three days of editing NAKED, I felt like that. I used to live in a tiny studio in Barcelona and the footage was visible on my computer at all times. I thought I couldn’t do it, until I just sat down and edited the damn thing. Somehow I got used to myself, to seeing close-up shots of my pussy – which I also thought looked chubby by the way -, to seeing my love handles or cellulitis.
Then I performed in more movies and I saw my new self, tinier, different. Now I just see it as a new era in my life where I’m smaller. Maybe I’ll gain weight again in a few years. Who knows. And who cares.
I accept it, I believe that I’m thinner, but old habits die hard and in my heart, I am still a chubby girl and will always be, I guess. Deep down, I still see myself as fat. It’s alright, I came to terms with it and I love the way I look but I guess my brain was conditioned to think that I would never be good enough. When a hot guy wants to be with me, it still surprises me. Me? Really??
What happened for a long time is that any time a guy wanted to fuck me, I thought it was a privilege for my fat self to be desired by somebody. It was like an anomaly and I had to jump on the opportunity. How fucked up is that.
What’s important is that I realized I was not here to please anybody with my body but to please myself. My body is what it is anyway. There’s not much I can do about it except learn to love it the way it is.
Note to my teenage self: no you’re not going to die a virgin, you’re gonna be a porn star, bitch!
PS: I realize this article is full of contradictions, but aren’t we all made of contradictions?